I always thought I craved food…. lots of food… fatty foods… chocolaty foods…. salty foods… sugary foods and load and loads of it! Now I don’t give in (as often) to these crazy binge-urges I found out what I reaaly am craving: LOVE. I need to feel loved since I do not love myself (work in progress) and I search for it in stupid ways… I crave love so badly lately I have been being stupid and kind of sleeping around with guys that don’t give a f*ck (ironically;))… The thing is, I was hugely in love with a guy that did not care about me… but because I craved his love so much I searched for it by other men… which ofcourse I did not find, it only makes me feel more miserable! It’s like my crave for food is replaced for craving love… which I do not get any of in the moment since I look in the wrong places… I realise I need to stop this since it is only making me lose my selfrespect…

Ofcourse I DO have lovely friends and family but the thing is I do not always dare to open up to them as I am embarrased of the screwed up feelings I have most of the times and I do not want to be negative. So instead of sharing my pain I put on a mask, a mask of the happy energetic me, when I feel like I am dying inside of heartache and loneliness.. I came to realise I never really dealt with my emotions. I always tried avoiding  and numbing them by eating, binging, purging.. Now my emotions are coming back due to the fact I do not hide in binging anymore I am feeling SOOO overwelmed… I could cry everyday but instead I almost always choose to hide in other things like binge drinking… this is NOT THE WAY TO GO… I just need to cry… even if it means I will be crying for a week, I need to deal with my emotions in order to recover, no more hiding… "The only way out is trough"

OUCH!!!! just got humiliated big time on a TO intimate level… I should not get people to take advantage of me, to hurt me beyond believe… Cause that is exactly what happened… I was in love, stupid me…. He was mr. wrong and I knew it… I could not handle my feelings since he only made me feel insecure but still I would go to any length to be with him… And then he just ignored me…. Only yesterday had the courage to ask what happened… he HATED my insecurity… well, obviously such comments are not going to improve this… you stupid ass!

If only you knew:
How I really feel inside..
How damn hard I am figting to gain some self respect..
How damn hard I am fighting to not let myself slip away ones again..
How damn hard it is for me accepting my body, let alone love it or be proud, enjoying and sharing it…
How damn hard I am fighting against the urge to hide for the big bad ugly world…
How much harder you are making it to achieve my goals right now and not to relapse..

I wish it never ever happened, this bruises my already bruised ego… I feel alone, angry, sad and rejected…

But at least I FEEL… I did choose for not binging…. I am almost 2 weeks free of ED habits! I am proud of this and I will keep going no matter what life is throwing at me…. This is a test, I will pass…

I still believeI will find love some time, true love, respectful love… but the love I have to work on right now is self love… as the relationship with myself will last forever. If I do not accept and love myself how can I expect others to do so?

That doesn’t mean I am not hurting… cause I am… badly…

Today is hard… I am having a lot of stress de to last-minute notice of some resit exams I had today… I made it trough the first one, but the second one, I am not too sure of… I feel like such a loser… had I only knew I had these exams today I would have prepared, but I totally missed it! In this case I would normally visit the supermarket right after the exams and buy all the binge-food I could afford… I would spent up tp 50 dollars a time… which is CRAZY!

But it helped… It helped numbing my feeling for a moment. To feel the joy of eating, but then soon (very soon) the feeling would return and I would be AND mad on myself for screwing up my exams AND because of binging and purging again… In the end it would not make me feel any better but worse. And today I saw this… today I was stronger than this and that is a great feeling.

I  am doing pretty well for over a week now, no binge and only one purge and I am proud of myself. I don’t want to go back…. I don’t want to screw my recovery up because of stress, pain and emotions…. As there is no life without those… I need to learn to deal with these before I can finally be free and LIVE!

I know there will be more ocassions where this urge will come up… expected and unexpected…. but I am ready to fight. I weant to beat this. I.AM.STRONGER.THAN.THIS

After a lovely relaxing weekend with my mom I am now pretty tired and actually already in bed..:) Just wanted to share something inspirational I just read in the book: Het lichaam is perfect("The body is perfect") from Annemarie Postma. She says "discipline is freedom, Everytime you take responibility for your body, the love for yourself and your body grows, every time you do not take responibility, your body image will get worse.Discipline means you are ready to steer towards your own destiny. Discipline is getting rid of being the victom, being dependent and self-reproaches. Taking responsibility is fun, exiting and strenghtens you body image"

Will be back tomorrow, good night!

After a few days of not eating in the comfort of my own home I notice I really miss the healthy and fresh food… that means I do not only eat this because my bulimia tells me to eat as clean as possible (which it does…) but that I truely love healthy foods! That gives me hope that I will one day be able to live a balanced life enjoying eating mostly lots of healthy and fresh foods:)

My last few days were very very busy and very very long due to school work… I had to organise an event and there was (as always) a lot of last-minute work involveld. So I mad working days of about 14 hours…. Then yesterday, after my 14 hour working day I had to work…. which was horrible, I could hardly stand up… I had 1,5 hours in between and to relieve stress I binged (it wasnt a big one) and did EVEN MORE damage to my body…. I just could not resist all the chocolate around me which was left-over.

This weekend will be good, I will spent it with my mother and I will take a rest… Which is exactly what my body and mind needs right now.

wow! this is bad!!!! I was already full, then I ate some dried plums…. then I binged…. and now I want to binge sooo badly! I do not know where this is coming from but it is frightning! I do not want to binge but the voice of bulimia screams in my head to do so!

already a good thing that I chose to wright here instead of binging my heart out… maybe I should eat something to refuel as I have purged… but I do not have the willpower to stop when I start eating now… Why am I doing this to myself!:S

I have decided to take a shower and have an early night… then waking up early tomorrow to a new day… study like crazy and then go to school to do my exams… I can do this, I will survive today without binging… I HAVE TO!

The binge-urge is gone!

And I had my chocolate AND my vivit to the supermarket! yay for small steps towards recovery!

I bought:
frozen raspberries <3 (but expensive)
egg plant
banana’s
apples (pink lady)
mango
grapefruits
red bell pepper
egg plant
dates
dark dark chocolate (85% cacao)
cucumber
tomatoes
tuna
raisins
yoghurt drink
coconut milk
apricot marmalade (the less sweet version)
salad
indian curry mix
Naan bread

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Snack 17.30

1 piece of dark dark chocolate maybe a little too dark it was a bit sour… but dark chocolate is more healthy and not giving me binge/urges… next time I will opt for 75% cacao though, chocolate may be healthy but delicious is more important in this case..
10 dates I really love these but I can not always control my intake of these… when I buy a package I finish it, which is not my intention nor healthy, will try to enjoy but NOT overdo… I was meaning to have 5… then I had 5 more… then I stopped myself.. thank god!

After lunch I had 3 cups of the Chinese puerh tea, which seems to control my appetite a bit I think, I didn´t go hungry till I bought the chocolate that is..

Dinner 18.15

in the bowl
curry paste
mushrooms
tomato
2 tablespoons of coconut milk
a little to much water
1 tablespoons of chilli paste (a curry should be hot in my opinion)
garlic (I love this stuff, to bad it makes you smell so bad, but I am not going anywhere tonight so I guess I am allowed)

on the side
naan bread

I feel to full right now and have the urge to purge… nonononononono, I will not. This is day 4 and I will survive this day without binge and purge… Now I need to go study, 2 exams tomorrow and I am wasting spending all my time on blogging.. Blogging is kind of addictive…

really do not have the "easter feeling".. Spending these two days all by myself should be studieng… My family is not in Holland at the moment so that is why I am not celebrating… + I don’t have a boyfriend… poor poor me;)

I am craving chocolate but don’t have any in my room…. Thinking about going to the supermarket but am afraid of the urge to binge building up inside of me (yet ones again).

I am living in a cycle…
day 1 – I binge and purge
Day 2 – I eat (to?) healthy to try to balance out the damage I have done the day before, my body feels tired and hurt.
Day 3 – by this day I get really positive, my energy levels are back and I feel in control…. I dare to eat more intuitively
Day 4- the urge to binge is back again… and STRONG! Trying to avoid this feeling, sometimes I am stronger than this feeling but unfortunately still most of the times I give in… And starting over this cycle over again…

I know this is somewhat better than binging everyday but I still do not have the control. Today is day 4, an I am going to make it a good one, I WILL break this cycle!

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Yesterday evening I ate some dried plums and an apple as dessert/snack… and had an early night.. Wake up 12 hours later and feeling good:)

My breakfast at 10:30

in the "happy bowl":
half a banana
one kiwi
o% fat greek yoghurt
muesli
acacia honey
cinnamon
handful of mixed nuts

Tasted good… I also had 3 cups of green tea to keep my energy up:)

Lunch 14:00

On my plate:
a pancake with:
kidney beans
onion
smoked salmon <3
cress on top
crumbled whole grain salthy biscuit (for the crunch)

It was kind of good…. Next to this I had an apple

Now I REALLY REALLY REALLY need to go study…. Or I am not going to make it this year… I have not been to motivated lately… shame on me!

I started re-designing this page so it feels mine… Now it does and I am happy about that…. It just reflects me more than the standard web-log.nl lay-out:)

Why I chose for a lotus flower as symbol?